10/10/2018

When I was a child, I loved food-there was no fear of it- no hatred of it- it brought me two things- nourishment and joy.

and then I hit late middle school/high school-

and suddenly my “relationship” with it became like a never-ending game of tug a war, labeling things as “good” or “bad” - or not eating things, exclaiming I was full when the rumbling of my stomach was audible from across the room. .

Then came college- when I made a brightly colored list that hung in my closet of “prizes” that I would reward myself when I hit an unattainable goal weight. .

Then, there’s now-

the reckoning with food-

the everyday relationship I have with it that has matured vastly,

but if I’m in a negative space-

can rear its head and replay in my psyche the tapes that were on loop a decade ago-

“Don’t forget Jamie-once on the lips, forever on the hips”

Sometimes I feel like a crazy person, confronting this “thing” in my mind- “Oh hello there old friend, nice to see you- but there’s nowhere for you to hang out in this room anymore- because I will not figuratively FEED you anymore”

And now that I have a daughter, awareness around how I talk/enjoy/live my life with food-

is a toddler sized bright neon sign with baby carrot sized fingers that follows me around all day.

I used to think that I wanted to save her from this- that as long as I live, she will not waste any energy on thinking that food has complete power over her well being- and in this moment, I feel like I am wrong.

Because the only thing I can control are my thoughts & actions and the energy that I bring into a room-

I don’t know if she will be confronted with these thoughts-

if we’ll share the same battles-

if she’ll struggle with self image (or getting cut from the team, or the loss of a childhood friend, or a house fire--

I really can’t control any of it.

But I can control how I, Jamie, embrace joy and pain.

Because at the end of the day-

I want to provide to her a soft place to land-

so that she feels safe and loved with whatever she is feeling that day-

while also being comforted in knowing that she’s not alone.