05/01/2019
Shame comes in all forms and a tiny one for me, that can lead down a rabbit hole of “I’m not good enough” is spelling, or is it speling? HA!
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Growing up, English was never my strong subject. I enjoyed math, PE & art, but when it came to writing an essay, it would usually be done the night prior between the hours of midnight and 3am.
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Yesterday I put out a post where I spelt the word BUISNESS wrong (<---spelt it like that) like 3 TIMES!
and one of my dear friends, without blasting me so everyone could see, just sent me a kind message letting me know- knowing that I might be slightly embarrassed.
It meant a lot to me, like when someone sees toilet paper on your shoe, and gently pulls you to a corner to tell you.
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But when I got the message, that voice in my head went off and told me, “how are people ever going to respect YOU as a business OWNER if you can’t even spell that D#*M WORD!!!” This continued for 15 minutes (only in my mind)---starting with an incorrect spelling and quickly developed into “I’m not worthy b/c I’m DUMB”
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That’s how shame creeps in. It starts out very innocent, and always ends up with some sort of “I’m not worthy” relative.
The “dumb” one has always kinda crept in there in one form or another, and currently I’m trying to explore why. Getting and staying curious for me is a form of self love that I no one ever talks about. -
And here are the things/tactics that “helped” pull me out YESTERDAY (these aren’t end all be all, and will ALWAYS work, but having a tool bag is great)
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Naming the things im my mind that I AM GOOD AT -making people smile, or making their day, painting, tickeling my kiddo and chasing her-seeing it in her face how loved she feels, cooking (occasionally) and allowing people to be themselves around me. -
I make sure not to throw shade at whatever is bothering me, like “CORRECT SPELLING IS FOR LOSERS ANYWAY” b/c that’s not true- and that will only continue the cycle- me somehow resenting the english language. -
So with that being said, I will continue to write although these shame bits reside in my mind- b/c that’s really the only way I can combat them-
but doing what “they” say I can not.
