12/30/2018

Anxiety & excitement usually sets in the night prior before I do something new, so sleep is hard for me to attain the night prior. My class was set to start at 8:30, so I got up- got ready (and b/c of the snow last night, I left around 7:30)

7:35-8:00 My playlist is on WAY too loud in the car while I give verbal & movement cues to the cars next to me. I park & give myself a little pep talk prior to making the trek to the store.

8:05 I meet the manager on duty-who is wonderful and insanely friendly.

8:10 I take pictures of the fruit platter because Athleta ROCKS!

At 8:25, I awkwardly smile at the staff as they walk in and out from the back (working-duh) but I have a look on my face- one that says, “don’t worry- people will come- I promise-it’ll be worth it- I’ll be worth it” as if all that can be said with a smirk.

At 8:31, I stand there alone- tears start to well up inside my gut, moving like a slow march up to my throat (which I KNOW is NOT the path of tears, but feeling it- I would argue otherwise)

Then the “fun” thoughts swirl in- “They bought all this food & you BROUGHT them no one” as well as the age ‘ole “you’re kidding yourself following your ‘passion’ you know- can’t you take a hint?”

I whisper to myself, “don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry” and the idea pops into my head to teach anyway-

like people are there-so I turn on the music and begin to move..

8:35 A woman walks through the door saying, “Sorry I’m LATE!” I hug her, swallow the tears and teach the class like the store is packed.

I tell you all this because I want you all to be a part of my journey.

Not for the accomplishments, but for the hurdles- and mainly the self talk that I must overcome in order to keep becoming the person who I feel I’m meant to be.

This self trash-talk will NOT break me, these feelings of self doubt are not going away anytime soon- but the reaction TO them is slowly changing, getting less and less like some sort of half life- and THAT is what I am SO freakin’ proud of.